Feeling Overwhelmed? Me Too.
Hi Friend,
I’m going to jump right out and tell you, I’ve been hiding. I think there are a few reasons, including it being seeding (we’re farmers), spring yardwork being plentiful (we have long, cold, snowy winters, so yardwork is not a year round thing… and we live on a beautiful big farmyard!), a broken washing machine, no babysitter for a few weeks, and the kids’ extracurricular activities being at the peak of time commitment. There are many more things, mostly those involved with running our farm and trucking business. Things I despise doing, but have to get done. Like paperwork haha. And spending time in front of a computer dealing with reports and “things”. The culmination of all these “have-to’s” combined with normal life stuff and me keeping my own business moving forward has resulted in big, fat, massive overwhelm over here.
I know I’m not alone at the overwhelm party. I know many (most?) women battle overwhelm on the daily. I’ve rejected some of the “typical” expectations (my house and vehicle are never in a state of perfection, although I long for the day keeping it somewhat sane around here is a bit easier!), but I’m well aware of the never ending to-do list that seems to come with motherhood. Many of us mamas deal with long periods of time where our spouses are absent due to work and other mamas who are doing this motherhood thing without spousal support at all. Our situations vary, but the vast majority of moms I talk to feel like they’re responsible for the management of their family life in general- who gets where when, what’s for supper, who has birthday parties and when, gifts for mother’s day/father’s day/ all the days, volunteering, fundraising, ETC. The “under the radar” things we manage on the daily have been coined “emotional labour” (google it!) and it’s started to become very clear that the emotional labour we do is real and immensely energy consuming.
So we’ve got the have-to’s, the physical to-do’s, and the emotional labour associated with having a family and it’s no surprise we’re overwhelmed.
I don’t know about you, but a looooooong time ago, I refused to accept a constant state of overwhelm as my reality. I’m not ok with feeling the life sucked out of me every day by LIFE. I want to have the energetic space to pour my soul into things I’m passionate about…. and not always feel like my soul is being sacrificed to “getting by.”
As a child, when you imagined what life would look like as a grown up, did it ever include a vision of “just getting by”?!?!? I sure as hell didn’t!
So where do we go from here?
1) Cut out the unnecessary- I don’t mean cut out anything pleasurable to be more productive. Just writing that makes me want to vomit. What I DO mean is let go of something (or many things) that add to the to-do list that AREN’T HAVE-TO’s. I know if sometimes feels like all the things are have-to’s, but here’s a little truth bomb for you- THEY’RE NOT. Have-to’s are like keeping yourself and your family alive and well. The vast majority of the other things we do are optional, even if that seems reallllly far fetched. Our family dynamics are all different, so I’m not going to get all prescriptive here, but make a list of all the things and then ask yourself, can this get cut out? If it can’t get cut out, can I pass the responsibility on to someone else (paid or unpaid!)? If I can’t pass it on to someone else and I’m the ONLY one that could possibly do it, what ELSE can shift to make room for this thing to feel easier?? I’m gonna give you a big ol’ hint over here too. If you ACTUALLY want to feel less overwhelmed, you cannot just keep trying to jimmy ways to fit all the same things into the same number of hours in a day. You’ve got to be willing to get a little bit ruthless with deleting some responsibilities! I shouldn’t say you’ve GOT TO. You don’t have to. You can keep jamming more stuff into your days and onto your lists and keep thinking you’re failing because you can’t get everything done. But know that THAT is also a choice. It’s a choice to stay nestled in tight with overwhelm long term. It’s up to you which direction you want to go!
2) Revisit what’s important- I know I’ve said this a million times (or maybe just to myself?!?), but to feel really empowered in your life and your choices, you need to understand what’s important to you. I could probably write for weeks about this (and it’s how we spend a BIG chunk of time when I’m working 1:1 with clients), but for today’s sake I’ll keep it relatively simple. So, what is the most important to you? For me at the end of the day, my family is my #1. Ok maybe that’s a bit misleading. Truthfully, at the end of the day, I AM MY #1. I can feel you judging me right now and I’m ok with that, haha. But in all seriousness, I love my family to the ends of the earth, but I am no good to them if I’m withering away, depressed, anxious, and distracted by stress and the things I do to try to numb my feelings. It’s not a pretty picture is it?? My well-being is #1. That being said, I am very aware that I’d be pretty miserable without my hubby and kids, so the choices I make for myself are deeply rooted in a knowing that whatever I do needs to align with how important our family life is to me. Make sense? I guess maybe it’s a tie for #1? I don’t feel like my well-being is mutually exclusive to my family being important to me. I firmly believe that they are intricately connected and I feel the best when I’m making choices that align with this. Other things that are important to me? Choice. Freedom. Connection. Adventure. Creativity. Feeling purposeful.
What are the things that are really important to YOU? Another hint here- the things you’re committing to often tell you a lot about what’s important to you…. and those things can continue to be guiding values in your life EVEN after you let some of the commitments go. Let that sink in.
3) Release attachment- aka CONTROL. When I’m overwhelmed, if I take a step back and really think about it, I can see that I’m taking responsibility for fixing all the things right. now. If I’m feeling defeated, that’s a pretty good indicator that I’m clinging WAYYYYY to tightly to controlling results or to the idea that things need to look a certain way and happen according to a certain timeline. There are certain things in life that have non-negotiable deadlines and fairly specific outcomes (i.e. payroll. taxes. etc.), but the vast majority of the things we let overwhelm us are things we have assigned our OWN expectations and timelines to. If you’re anything like me, once life starts feeling a little out of control, you might start clinging to all the things you think you can control. Or you might start reminding yourself of all the things you’re NOT controlling the way you think you SHOULD be (your weight/diet, finances, pinterest worthy meals, etc.)…. and the overwhelm grows and grows. The past two weeks, I’ve hit my tipping point. I’ve been in this place before. I work really hard to stay OUT of overwhelm, but sometimes I forget I don’t need to be the controller and carrier of all the things and I take on more and more and more (physically AND energetically) until my body starts going completely out of whack. The smallest things feel like the biggest things and I lose my ability to function AT ALL. My waves of anxiety get out of control and turn into immense sadness. Feeling deeply defeated. Feeling like I’ve lost my freedom to choose. Falling into depression and hopelessness.
Long ago I learned it’s not my job to try to plug away forever feeling this way. I’ve got amazing supports in my life who are willing and able to remind me it’s not UP TO ME to be and do it all. I’ve got the RIGHT to CHOOSE how I want my days to feel and I’m the ONLY ONE who can make it happen. I KNOW this, but sometimes, in the peak of overwhelm and exhaustion, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that it really IS that simple.
I KNOW and I want YOU to know that your value is not attached to your to-do list, you will only be supported if you’re WILLING to be supported, you have to ALLOW people to show up for you even if it’s not EXACTLY how you think they should, if you EXPECT people to disappoint you they will, if you EXPECT people to support you they will!
So in this season, I’m re-practicing the art of detachment. I’m detaching from specific outcomes. I’m re-examining what surrender and trust look like in my life right now, and reminding myself that if I don’t allow people to show up for me, they won’t. If I believe I have to do life alone and miserable, it will be so. And just the same, if I believe I NEVER have to do life alone and miserable, that ALSO will be so.
Take care of yourself my lovely. My peeps are more important to me than you will ever know! I hope my experiences can somehow help you to make positive changes in your own reality. If you’d like to continue the conversation, shoot me an email and we absolutely can.
Love,